Dear Lewis, how not to take things personally?
A talented director's path to VP is blocked by hypersensitivity to feedback. Learn how reframing criticism and building emotional resilience can unlock executive potential.
Welcome back, my friends, to another installment of “Dear Lewis.” Today, we’re diving into the treacherous waters of personal sensitivity with a coaching client who’s struggling to keep his cool in the corporate pressure cooker.
It’s not uncommon to find directors getting feedback about being too sensitive. And as always, I’m here to offer some guidance, including:
Explaining why taking things personally is kryptonite for executive presence
Analyzing the client’s triggers and emotional responses
Recommending specific actions to develop a thicker skin (without turning into a corporate sociopath)
So, buckle up and get ready to learn how not to take things personally - a skill that’s as crucial as knowing how to tie your shoes (and infinitely more useful at board meetings).
Keep your chin up and your personal feelings in check,
Lewis C. Lin
CEO, ManageBetter
🤔 How not to take things personally?
Meet Mark: The Overly Sensitive Director
One of my clients is Mark (not his real name). He works as a director at a FAANG company and has been there for five years. Here’s the lowdown on Mark:
He’s really good at what he does
He’s led some killer projects that have boosted the company’s bottom line
His team respects him, and his peers admire his work ethic
But here’s the kicker: Mark’s feeling stuck because he can’t seem to get promoted to VP, even though he’s got the skills. He comes to me for help, asking what’s wrong.
The Diagnosis
I tell Mark that there’s nothing wrong with his abilities, but there’s something wrong with how he reacts to feedback and criticism. He has this way of internalizing every comment, disagreement, or piece of constructive feedback as if it’s a personal attack on his very being.
You know what I’m talking about. It looks something like this:
THEM: “So, Mark, I think we should consider a different approach to this project.”
MARK'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: “Oh no, they hate my idea. They probably hate me. I’m a failure. I’ll never get promoted. I should just quit now and become a goat farmer in the mountains.”
I tell him that this way of thinking is:
Counterproductive
Energy-draining
Frankly, a bit dramatic
It doesn’t help him grow or improve. And it makes him look like he can’t handle the pressure of leadership. His reactions reveal his lack of emotional resilience and professional maturity.
The Solution
Being a leader is not just about what you achieve, but also about how you handle challenges and criticism. We start working together to change his mindset, so that he can show his leadership potential. Here are the exercises that we start to do:
1. Adopt the Perspective Shift
This is a simple way to reframe criticism and feedback as opportunities for growth rather than personal attacks.
How it works:
Practice looking at situations from multiple angles:
The critic’s perspective
A neutral observer’s view
A future version of himself
Mark finds it hard at first because his knee-jerk reaction is to feel hurt. But that’s the point. The Perspective Shift makes him respond like a seasoned executive who knows how to separate his ego from his role.
2. Implement the 24-Hour Rule
This is a powerful way to create space between receiving feedback and responding to it.
The process:
Receive feedback
Wait 24 hours before responding
Use this time to process, reflect, and formulate a measured response
I share with Mark that when we respond immediately, we often do so from a place of emotion rather than reason. When we wait 24 hours, we give ourselves time to process, reflect, and formulate a more measured response.
Mark shares that it worked. He’s less reactive and more thoughtful in his responses. And his colleagues appreciate his more balanced approach.
3. Practice the Feedback Sandwich
I reinforce with Mark that how we receive feedback is just as important as how we give it.
The three-step approach:
Thank the person for their input
Reflect on the feedback objectively
Discuss next steps or ask clarifying questions
We practice this approach in 30-second, 1-minute, and 2-minute scenarios, depending on the complexity of the feedback. Finally, I tell him that we should never let a feedback session go on for more than 5 minutes without scheduling a follow-up, because that’s when people start getting defensive again.
4. Cultivate Self-Validation
I’m not talking about empty self-affirmations here. I share with Mark that building internal confidence is key to not taking things personally.
We work on:
Identifying his strengths
Acknowledging his achievements
Setting personal growth goals
So Mark’s old pattern of seeking constant external validation has been replaced with a more balanced approach:
Old habit: Needing praise for every task
New approach: Recognizing his own daily wins
Old tendency: Dwelling on one piece of negative feedback
New mindset: Balancing it with three positive self-observations
Old pattern: Comparing himself to others
New focus: Concentrating on his personal growth trajectory
The Takeaway
The transformative power of not taking things personally is not just about developing a thicker skin; it’s about cultivating a mindset that allows for growth, resilience, and true leadership. By reframing criticism as opportunity, creating space for reflection, and building internal confidence, you can open doors to your leadership potential.
Remember, in the corporate jungle, it’s not about never getting bitten - it’s about learning how to handle the bite with grace and grow stronger from it. Let your emotional intelligence guide your team towards respect and success.
And if all else fails, just remember: In the grand scheme of the universe, we’re all just tiny specks on a floating rock. So that passive-aggressive email from Richard in accounting? Probably not worth losing sleep over.
Simple, right? Well, not always
I'm here to help. Email me if you have any management or employee challenges. I've got your back, and your identity will remain anonymous.
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