🤔 Dear Lewis, I’m the fighter in the room. Why does no one back me up?
In today’s edition, a VP learns that being the loudest advocate in the room doesn’t always win the fight—and discovers the secret to picking battles that truly matter.
Here we are again, my friends, back for another installment of Dear Lewis—where the workplace struggles are real, and the lessons might just save your career (or sanity).
Today’s story is about Emma (not her real name), a VP who’s ready to walk away from a company that she feels doesn’t appreciate her. But as always, there’s more to the story than meets the eye.
The Fighter in the Room
Emma is the kind of leader who doesn’t just sit on the sidelines. She’s the one who raises her hand in meetings to call out the elephant in the room, challenges decisions that feel misaligned with the company’s values, and speaks up for the people who can’t—or won’t—speak for themselves. And she’s proud of it.
But lately, that pride has been overshadowed by frustration.
“No one seems to care that I’m the one fighting for what’s right,” Emma told me during our coaching session. “It’s like I’m putting myself out there again and again, and all I get in return is silence—or worse, resistance.”
She paused, then added, “I’m starting to think I don’t belong here. Maybe I need to find a place where my voice actually matters.”
The Cost of Always Being the Advocate
Emma’s frustration is understandable. Speaking up takes courage, especially when you’re advocating for change in a room full of people who seem perfectly comfortable with the status quo. But as we unpacked her experience, a pattern started to emerge.
“How often do you find yourself speaking up in meetings?” I asked.
“Almost every time,” she said. “If I see something that doesn’t sit right with me, I feel like I have to say something. If I don’t, who will?”
“And how do people usually respond?”
She sighed. “Sometimes they nod, but most of the time, it’s just… nothing. Like I’m talking to a brick wall. It’s exhausting.”
Here’s the thing: Emma wasn’t just speaking up for what mattered. She was speaking up for everything that mattered. And while her intentions were noble, her execution was wearing her—and everyone around her—down.
The Surprising Truth About Influence
This is where I dropped the twist.
“What if the problem isn’t that people don’t appreciate you?” I asked. “What if the problem is that they’re overwhelmed by you?”
She blinked. “What do you mean?”
“Emma, when you speak up about everything, it’s like crying wolf. Even when your points are valid, people start tuning you out because they can’t tell what’s critical versus what’s just… another opinion.”
Her jaw tightened. “So you’re saying I should just stay quiet?”
“Not at all,” I said. “I’m saying you need to pick your battles. Influence isn’t about having an opinion on everything. It’s about knowing when to use your voice—and when to hold it back so that when you do speak, people listen.”
The Framework: SPEAK
To help Emma recalibrate her approach, I introduced her to a framework I call SPEAK. It’s a simple, five-step method to strategically decide when—and how—to make your voice heard.
The first step is to Scan the Room. Before speaking, take in who’s present and consider their priorities. Not every audience is ready—or willing—to hear every message, so tailor your approach to the people you’re trying to influence. For example, instead of challenging a decision in a full-team meeting, Emma could pull a key decision-maker aside afterward to share her concerns privately.
Next, Prioritize Your Battles by asking yourself if the issue at hand truly aligns with your core values or the company’s mission. Speaking up about every issue dilutes your impact; focus on the ones that matter most. Emma decided to concentrate her advocacy on diversity initiatives, a cause she felt deeply passionate about, rather than weighing in on every operational inefficiency.
From there, Evaluate the Stakes. Consider what’s at risk if you don’t speak up—and what’s at risk if you do. Not every hill is worth dying on, and weighing the potential consequences can help you decide whether to engage. For instance, Emma realized that pushing back on a minor policy change wasn’t worth jeopardizing her credibility when it wouldn’t have a long-term impact.
Once you’ve decided to speak, Anchor Your Message in terms that resonate with your audience. Frame your point in a way that aligns with their goals, making it easier for them to see the value in your perspective. Instead of saying, “This decision feels wrong,” Emma reframed her feedback as, “Here’s how this decision might impact our team’s productivity—and what we can do to mitigate the risks.”
Finally, Know When to Let Go. If you’ve made your point and it’s not landing, sometimes the most strategic move is to step back and revisit the issue later. Influence is a long game, and persistence doesn’t always mean pushing harder. After presenting her case for a new hiring policy and meeting resistance, Emma decided to gather more data to strengthen her argument before bringing it up again.
The Breakthrough
A few weeks later, Emma came back with a story.
“I was in a meeting about budget cuts,” she said. “Normally, I’d have jumped in with ten different reasons why the cuts were a bad idea. But this time, I stopped and thought: Is this my battle? And you know what? It wasn’t. So I stayed quiet.”
She smiled. “And then, when the conversation shifted to diversity funding—which is my battle—I spoke up. And guess what? People actually listened. One of my colleagues even backed me up.”
The twist? By speaking less, Emma’s voice had become louder.
The Lesson
Leadership isn’t about having an opinion on everything. It’s about knowing when to speak and when to stay silent.
Your voice is like a spotlight. Use it too often, and it loses its power. But use it sparingly and strategically, and it can illuminate the path forward—not just for you, but for everyone around you.
Keep striving for greatness,
Lewis C. Lin
CEO, ManageBetter
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